Thursday, 10 September 2015

5 Things I have Learned in 25 Years of Marriage



It is hard for me to even really remember life before I met my husband. It feels like he has always been in my life. We first saw each other way back in the Spring of 1988. I was 17 and he was 16. It was love at first sight. I felt like I needed to know him almost immediately and he said his first thought when he saw me was 'I'm going to marry her'. Sounds all gushy and overly sentimental doesn't it, but it is true. We married just over a year later and in a couple of months we will celebrate our 26th anniversary.

Our married life has not been one big soppy love story though, let me tell you we have had more than our fair share of problems, even separating for a year. I thought our marriage was over, but we both realized that life without each other was not what we wanted so we decided to try to rebuild our relationship, falling in love all over again, making our marriage stronger than it has ever been. The separation taught us to appreciate what we have together and forced us to make some changes.

1. Forgive and Forget - You never completely forget if you have been hurt, it is always with us but the worst thing you can do in your marriage is keep bringing up old stuff. It happened, you got hurt, you dealt with it and chose to forgive so now you need to put it away. You can compartmentalize by separating your mind and emotions into separate boxes. It sounds complicated but it really isn't, and once you have done this you will naturally do it again in future. The key to this working is to put that hurt into the box inside your mind, visualize it and shut the lid tight. Every time you feel the lid popping up, shut it down. Learning to compartmentalize your emotions is a great tool for helping you to move past emotional issues. It can be extremely damaging to your relationship to keep raking over old ground.

2. Live Your Story - Forget what everyone else is doing, stop looking over that fence, the grass is not greener, it is just different. No-one has a perfect relationship even those who appear to 'have it all' go through their problems, heartaches and dilemmas. Never compare yourself to another couple. This is a big 'No No!' Never fall into the comparison trap, you just do not know what that 'perfect' couple have gone through to get to the place they are at. You are your own story and only you can write it's content.


3. No Nagging! - This is a big one. Nagging your spouse is negative and believe me, it causes resentment and unnecessary disagreements. Consistent nagging is an attack on your love, and it can be toxic. Communicate rather than nag. If you are the nagger, you may feel ignored and unloved if your spouse repeatedly rejects your pleas and if you are nagged, you may correctly think that your spouse does not trust you. Both end up feeling resentment towards the other. Nagging is ineffective communication so try to get your point across by choosing your words more carefully, at the right time with the right attitude. It is much more effective.

4. Please Your Spouse - Ever since we got back together the one big change we made was to work on pleasing each other. I'm not talking in the bedroom, even though that is just as important. I'm talking in the every day things. Run him a bath after work, rub her feet in the evenings, tell him you adore him and tell her you are madly in love with her. It doesn't have to be  all red roses and expensive gifts, it is about the simple things in life, feeling appreciated and loved.

5. Be Best Friends - No matter what troubles we have been through, even when we have hurt each other we have remained best friends. There have been times when we disliked each other especially during our separation but even then we spoke daily on the phone and shortly before we decided to make a go of things again, my Husband turned to me and said "You are my best friend, you always have been and you always will be". I suddenly realized that I felt the same. You can have good friends outside of the marriage but your partner is the one you tell everything to, not your 'best mate'. Over the years I've had friends come and go but my Husband has been my constant, and these days I never share anything with friends that I wouldn't share with my husband and vice versa. And I never get into any of those 'lets bitch about our husbands/wives' conversations, not ever. 


21 comments:

  1. Such a lovely post and many congratulations on 25 years of marriage - what an achievement. I agree about living your own story and believe that the grass is greenest where you water it. Well done x

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  2. Such a lovely post! Congratulations. me and my partner have been together 5 years and learnt a lot growing up. Mainly that we need to live our own lives too. We now have amazing paths and stories of our own that's made us even stronger. x

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  3. Aww this is a sweet post, I love all the advise you have shared.

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  4. This is all great advice - congratulations on being married for 25 years. It sound like you have a very strong relationship.

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  5. That picture is gorgeous! Congratulations on your silver wedding and great advice to heed.

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  6. Aw congratulations on such a long marriage! Great advice and love the photos!

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  7. So lovely and some very wise advice - made a total has of it myself mind.....Maybe one day I will get married xx

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  8. Congratulations on 25 years together! That is brilliant and some great advice. Relationships do take work and you should be careful not to take advantage of each other which is sounds like you don't. Great photos xx

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  9. Oh wow Congratulations on 25 years such a good achievement, hope I can get to this one day.

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  10. What a lovely post and I am guilty of doing a few of these things wrong. Congratulations on 25 years. Such an amazing acheivement for you both x

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  11. I have been with the husbeast longer than I have not! I applaud you for working at your marriage and giving it a second chance.

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  12. Such a wonderful post! Congratulations on your anniversary. Wishing you many more

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  13. Happy Anniversary to you both. Marriages need work and glad you managed to sort things out

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  14. Congratulations on your wedding anniversary - some very wise advice in this post - here's to the next 25 years for you both! x

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  15. Congratulations! 25 years what a milestone! Great post. We aren't married but have been together 13years and are still the best of friends!

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  16. Big congrats to 25 years of marriage. I love all of your advice given and wish you many more years of happiness x

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  17. Wow, 25 years is a huge achievement. Congratulations.
    Such a lovely post

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  18. 25 years is amazing and I agree with ALL of your tips x x

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  19. Congratualtions ! and your tips are fantastic

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  20. Congratulations on such a fantastic milestone! A very insightful post, one that had me nodding in agreement all the way through.

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  21. Congratulation on 25 years of marriage, I agree with your tips. I have been married for 13 years and we are always working on our marriage. We always try to take some time to be just us and no children, going on dates or nights away.

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