Monday, 6 April 2015

Learning To Forgive


The path to forgiveness is often a long and sometimes arduous task. It isn't an easy thing to do and it will test your resolve. Getting over the pain that someone causes us is difficult, our natural response is anger and hurt rather than a sweet smile and a handshake. 

Over the past few years I have been let down by a lot of people. People I loved and adored. My heart was ripped to shreds and the anxiety and stress caused by their behaviour lead me to a diagnoses of hypertension. At the start of this year I made the decision to forgive them all, mainly because I need to get myself well. I owe it to myself to be free from the hurt, free from toxic people and their behaviour. Forgiveness does not condone what they did but it does help to heal your broken heart and repair your damaged self esteem. Remember it is not for them, it is for you.

1. Take Deep Breaths - Feeling angry with someone is not good for your well being, as like me it can cause you health problems both mentally and physically. Make a pact with yourself that every time you feel that surge of resentment, you will take a deep breath and let it go. I often sit and take deep long breaths whenever I feel it and it does help.
2. Cut Contact - For me to move on with my life I needed to cut all contact with the people who hurt me. I blocked them all on social media, because even seeing a comment or their name mentioned is hard for me to bare and it isn't because I haven't forgiven them, because I have but I'd rather avoid old, painful feelings being rubbed in my face and re-surfacing setting me back on my mission to forgive. Some actions make it impossible for you to remain in contact.
3. Don't Expect Too Much - People are not perfect and will not provide you with a perfect relationship, it just doesn't exist and the older I get the more I realise that people sometimes do things that hurt others. You can move on and live in harmony, but both sides need to work on the relationship, not just one of you. Sometimes friendships and partnerships can be better than ever after a selfish act and as you work through the hurt you become stronger, together.
4. Forgive Yourself - I need to make peace with the way other people behave and stop blaming myself. Accept that some people make decisions that affect you, often selfishly giving no thought for the consequences of their actions. It is not your fault, it is theirs.
5. Humans Make Mistakes - They sometimes do. We all do. I sometimes cringe at the way I have behaved at times in the past but nothing can be done to change it, all we can do is try our best not to repeat those mistakes. Learn from them and remember that the person who hurt you will also learn from their mistake and if they don't feel pity rather than anger or resentment.
6. Revenge - I know sometimes revenge seems like it will ease your pain but trust me it doesn't, it just lowers you to their level. The best revenge is living a life full of peace, happiness and forgiveness. Forgiveness is your power, use it wisely!

Forgiving the hurt gives your life freedom. Freedom from toxicity. Freedom from resentment. Freedom from bitterness. Life is so short, why spend it seething over another persons bad choices. Life your life and be free.



44 comments:

  1. You brave lady with a heart of gold! They say it takes more energy to hate than to love, I hope you feel lighter of heart in your new mindset. Being let down by loved ones is so hard to come to terms will, huge respect to you. #MagicMoments

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    1. Aww Thank you. You are so right about it taking more energy to hate than to love, it really does x

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  2. I think you are very wise and brave to do this. Luckily I've not had much experience of toxic people in my life but I know that anger and hate can make life miserable. I've always thought that forgiveness isn't about the person you're forgiving but about yourself - they might not deserve it but you do. I think it takes a strong person to he able to actually do this though. Xx

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    1. Thanks Maddy. It is difficult to forgive but it is so essential in order to be able to move on and not look back. We owe it to ourselves to forgive x

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  3. I love how you do revenge! A positive one. This is such a lovely post and so timely too! Happy Easter! #magicmoments

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    1. Thank you. Hope it helps in some small way x

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  4. You've offered some very sound advice here. I cut ties with my mother and entire family ten years ago. As you've rightly said, the path to forgiveness might not be easy, but it's utterly essential to move on with life.

    I think you'd enjoy my book http://becomethebestyou.co.uk

    #sharethejoy

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    1. It must have been so hard to cut ties with your Mum. Thanks for your book recommendation I will check it out x

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  5. It's good to let go and move on with positivity. Some wise words here.

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    1. Thanks Erica. Positivity is the way forward x

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  6. Very, very wise words. It is a hard thing to do, to let go. But it is brave and it is the strong thing to do x

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    1. It has been a painful process Sara especially as they were such huge parts of my life. Forgiveness feels like a relief x

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  7. This is one of the most thought-provoking posts I have read in ages. Such good advice here, especially about the need to forgive yourself as well as others.

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    1. Sometimes forgiving ourselves is harder than forgiving those who hurt us, but if you manage to do it, it feels so freeing x

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  8. What a lovely post - very wise words. Positivity is the key, you can't control what others do but you can control your reaction to it. xx

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    1. Thanks Louise. I'm a huge believer in positivity being the key. Training ourselves to turn a negative into a positive can sometimes be pretty tough but it can be done and the relief afterwards is worth the effort x

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  9. I find the forgiving part easy - it's the forgetting that I really have trouble with :( I have a lot to work on myself, and this post has given me some insight on how to do that - thank you x

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    1. Thanks Michelle. We never forget, but we can move on and leave the pain behind without a constant feeling of anger & resentment. I find relaxation techniques help and long country walks (Thats why I spend most of my life walking, lol) x

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  10. You are definitely doing the right thing by moving on and enjoying your life, it's really not worth wasting your energy on people who have hurt you.

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    1. Thanks Clare. When we cut ourselves off from people we always question if we are doing the right thing, but I have learnt that sometimes it is essential in order to continue a peaceful life. My energy is best spent on those who love & care for me x

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  11. I'm really sorry you've been so let down - these are some great tips - holding onto the anger makes them have even greater affect on your life and they don't deserve that power.

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    1. You are so right. Realising that my anger gave them power was such a light bulb moment for me. Letting go was the best thing I could have done x

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  12. oh my, ive been an angry person lately and need to learn how to forgive, again

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    1. That angry feeling is so draining isn't it. I think it takes so much from your happiness. Sending you a hug x

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  13. I am so pleased to hear you are healing and not letting them grind you down anymore. That is the best revenge, as you say, long may it continue!

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    1. Thanks Lucy, it has been a long road to forgiveness...but so worth it x

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  14. I know revenge is bad but sometimes I can't help myself. I hate being angry and miserable when toxic people get on my nerves and there is always someone around to put you down. I'm glad you are on a better path now and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you :)

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    1. Thanks Sylvia. I know its much easier said than done and resisting revenge is sometimes even harder but I have learnt over the years that Karma is a very powerful thing and does the work for you. They really don't escape it I promise you x

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  15. You have raised some good points here, sometimes its better to forgive and move on.

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    1. Thanks Nayna, Life is so much less stressful once we forgive x

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  16. Very wise words it can be so hard to forgive but very freeing once you manage it. x

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    1. Thanks Sarah, yes very freeing...so worth the effort x

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  17. Very wise words. I tend to cut ties with anyone who has really hurt me and sometimes, rarely, I get back in touch years later but that is rare

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    1. Thanks Angela. Allowing toxic people back in to our lives always worries me. I know people can change and can feel remorse for their past actions. I guess it depends who the person is and what they did to hurt you x

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  18. This is exactly right. Holding something against someone is tiring and energy consuming. Forgiveness is hard but definitely the way forward xx

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    1. Thanks Michelle. Since I decided to forgive I haven't looked back. I can now move forward with my life and leave the past behind x

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  19. I thought this was a very astute post. As an adult child of toxic parents, two things stood out for me, the first was when you said, "Some actions make it impossible for you to remain in contact." I totally agree and wish more people understood this, so many seem to think it doesn't matter what your parents do you must still endure them, 'because they're your parents.' I gave mine so many chances but am still the one stigmatisd as having given up on them.
    The second point was when you said, "You can move on and live in harmony, but both sides need to work on the relationship." Again, if the other party isn't willing to put the effort in, there's no rule that says you should keep striving to bridge the gap regardless.
    I've found a great many people have very principled views on things like this but they come from the luxurious position of never having had to deal with these kinds of challenges.
    Great post.

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  20. I have found it is easier to forgive and accept ad you get older. Think I have realised its not worth stressing about things you cannot change

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  21. I don't always forgive the people because they don't deserve it but I do cut contact and don't let what they did bother me.

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  22. Wise words. I always try to think the bad behaviour of others comes from their own issues - it's easier to forgive and understand that way. Still doesn't make things any less hurtful, though....

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  23. Cutting contact is huge. Especially in this world that is dominated by social media.

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  24. what a truly magical moment that is .. its such a hard decision to make to take that hurt, anger and pain and not let it destroy you.

    You are without a doubt one very strong lady and I wish you every success in your journey to alleviate your symptoms xx

    Thanks for linking up with #MagicMoments xx

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  25. Great post, something we need reminding of I think. Hope you are okay. x

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  26. I've done this too (cut contact) with a family member, it was the only way for me to get on with my life in a healthy and happy manner. It's sad but it was the right thing to do x

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