Friday, 28 February 2014

Dealing With A Narcissist - Closing The Door On A Toxic Loved One.

 

 
"Narcissists have no enemies. They have only Sources of Narcissistic Supply. An enemy means attention means supply. One holds sway over one’s enemy. If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you, then you are still a Source of Supply to him, regardless of which emotions are provoked."
 

S. Vaknin



I'm fascinated by the narcissist. What makes them tick, why do they become so self absorbed, what causes this damaging personality trait and do they actually care about the people in their lives that they are supposed to love? My fascination began when I was forced to analyse my own father and his lack of interest in me, which over time I have come to realise runs much deeper than just a lack of interest. I realise now that he has a narcissistic personality disorder.

Heavy stuff I hear you murmur, but the truth is we have all encountered a narcissist at some point in our lives and a lot of the time we may not have even realised. However, sometimes it may be a close friend or family member and their narcissistic behaviour has more than likely caused you distress, heartache, frustration or pain during or even throughout the whole of your relationship.

A narcissistic feels no empathy, has no conscience, refuses to recognise that others have needs and completely ignores the feelings of anyone in their lives. They tend to think of themselves as better than everyone else in their circle, are shallow and judgemental. They often live in a fantasy world of success and power. They consider themselves to be the best at what they do whether it in trade, sport or motherhood, which you might argue that there is nothing wrong with having confidence in our abilities, self confidence is a good quality isn't it? And yes, most of the time it is, however, to someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, their self confidence is more like a grandiose sense of self-importance and they are envious of others but think that everyone else envious of them. They bully, manipulate, exploit, lie, deny and deceive to achieve his or her own ends.


Sadly, I have more narcissists in my family than the average person and even though I realised quite early on with my own father, it took me a lot longer to realise that others I loved were also very toxic with narcissistic traits. Family members who verbally abuse, bully, manipulate and deceive have no place in my life or my heart and I have had to come to terms with the fact that they care only for themselves. 

It is a harsh lesson to learn. And it really gives me no comfort that these people will end up lonely, in fact I feel pity for them and a deep sadness. These people are the takers of our world. Takers who leave nothing but pain and destruction in their wake. Their narcissistic traits are so severe that they cause havoc and hurt in the lives of others, especially those closest. They will never change because they honestly do no believe that they have a problem and that their destructive behaviour actually works for them so why do they need to change, it is everyone else who has the problem, not them. Simply put, they cannot see the damage that they inflict on others.
  
In my honest opinion the only way to get what you need emotionally from a narcissistt is to keep the hell away from them. Yep, I said it, keep your distance. Don't try and heal the rift because it will never work, even during times when they are being nice, charming or on the rare occasion offering to help you out with something. It will only be because they want something bigger back from you, they want to hurt or use you all over again. 

It isn't easy to walk away from a narcissist, believe me, it hurts like hell but for your own sanity and sense of self worth you have to close the door behind them. As a writer I have a release, my writing. My words spill out on to my page and I feel a huge sense of relief, the pain almost disapears. Writing is cathartic and people who dont write, dont get it. Why I might feel the need to document my thoughts baffles them, but it enables me to gain a better perpective. I find it a powerful healing tool.

So, my advice if you are struggling to cope with a narcissist is is to move on with your life and after time the feeling of relief you feel is immense from no longer having to deal with such negative people in your life. All these types of people bring to your table is drama, negative, destructive, toxic drama. Do yourself a massive favor and walk away.



You might Also Be Interested in Toxic People And What To Do About Them.

Thursday, 27 February 2014

The Eucalyptus Tree That Stands Tall At The Bottom Of The Garden


The rain beats down heavily as I run for cover beneath the Eucalyptus tree that stands tall at the bottom of the garden. I gaze upwards towards the glistening towering trunk as it soars to the sky reaching and stretching to find and touch the day light. I imagine it's strong comforting arms have been standing here for a hundred years watching and smiling as families come and go. 

How many children have climbed it's tall limbs? There isn't a generation gone by that can resist the branches of a tree, a quiet place to dream big and imagine a grown up future. A place to be at one with nature at the bottom of the garden.

Green Ivy now blankets the feet of the Eucalyptus, year by year gradually creeping and twining gracefully higher and higher. Raindrops coat the twisted vine displaying every vein in all their glory enticing me in to admire their beauty. I can't help but run my finger over the shiny surface of this delicate leaf. I suddenly feel a sense of peace as I know brighter days are ahead, spring is just around the corner. I can feel it in the air.



Mammasaurus and How Does Your Garden Grow?

Win A Sun Or Snow Holiday With Cosmos!

  

As I flick through the big pile of travel brochures that I have sat on my coffee table I am transported far away from cold, rainy Essex and across the Atlantic to Florida. As I bask on a white sandy beach surrounded by swaying palm tree's a warm shower of rain refreshes me bringing light relief from the warm sun. Yes, I'm living the dream in Florida and I yearn to be on that beach. I check how much money I have in my holiday savings and think to myself it is affordable if I am careful with my pennies, but how about winning a beach holiday or if you are rather partial to snow then win a ski holiday instead?

Well, with Cosmos Holidays you can enter their fab Facebook competition and win either a sun or snow holiday. According to Cosmos when the winter arrives holiday makers fall into two categories, those who embrace the cold and go skiing and those who head straight for the sun. What do you think you are, a sun or snow person? Head over to Cosmos on Facebook to find out and you could win yourself a holiday.





Friday, 21 February 2014

A Lot Has Changed Mum, I Have Changed.




Dear Mum,

As I walk through the door of the card shop my eye is instantly drawn to the pretty pink ones with 'Happy Birthday Mum' scrawled across the top. I yearn to buy one for you. The card with the most words is the one I would always pick and my cheeks would always blush a little as I watched you open it and read the cheesy, sentimental wording.

You wasn't a cuddly type of Mum, in fact I struggle to even remember a time you told me you loved me or hugged me. It just wasn't your style. We discussed it once and you told me that your own Dad never hugged you as a child or told you he loved you, but you felt so loved by him, he didn't need to tell you. I wandered if it was your funny way of telling me that you loved me and the lack of cuddles didn't mean you didn't love me. 

I never doubted your love though Mum. My Fathers, yes, but never yours. You worked hard to give us a comfortable life, even though you married two useless men. One of them my Father. I now feel embarrassed to even associate the word 'Father' with him. You would be shocked how angry I am with him now Mum. Before you passed away I was always praying to reconcile with him, not anymore. I feel irritated by the thought of him now, mainly because he left you to struggle with four children while he raised another family and lived the high life. Forgetting he had four kids. It is like we never existed. So, no Mum I have no plans to ever visit him again, to contact him or even call him Dad again. As far as I'm concerned, you were my Mum and Dad, all rolled into one. You gave us a good life, a happy life and I will be forever grateful for all you did, which was your best. 

A lot has changed Mum, I have changed. I have grown up, learnt some harsh lessons and been hurt by people I trusted. People I really thought would look out for us, who I thought cared about us turned out to be only interested in themselves. One of those people you wont be one bit surprised, but two of them Mum you thought were your best Friends, sisters. Money turns people Mum, turns them into greedy and self obsessed, almost unrecognisable. I feel ashamed of them and their children, my cousins.

We only ever needed you Mum. It was us and the boys against the World. Life has become fragmented by your loss, like shards of glass being tossed up into the air and hitting the floor facing different directions. It's time to move on without some of them in my life. Time to move forward with my life and to be happy again.

I celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary this year Mum, I know this will please you as it was always important to you that I continuously work on my marriage and keep things together. My Hubby was like a Son to you and I know you will be happy to hear we are still in love. He misses you too Mum.

So, here I'm sat thinking of you like always, but especially today Mum, what would have been your 64th Birthday. Hope you have been reunited with Grandad and Aunt Toot as I know their loss left a big hole in your life. Miss you so much that at times it is unbearable.

Love You Always,
Emma xxx

Monday, 17 February 2014

Five Ways To Save On Your Commute


Around 70% of the UK’s workforce commute on a regular basis. With petrol and train prices rising it is not surprising that the journey to work has become a grind, and a financial worry. But there are steps you can take to address this. Below are five ways to cut the cost of your commute. It won’t make the traffic lights work better, nor ensure you get a seat on the 7.48 train, but at least you won’t be paying more than you have to for a joyless commute.

1. Car share - Splitting the cost of petrol with another passenger can save £800 a year, according to research from Moneysupermarket. The difficult bit might be finding someone to share your journey. If you don’t fancy button-holding everyone in the staff canteen, try Liftshare.com or BlaBlaCar.com. Both “car-pooling’” websites aim to match commuters and they conduct basic identity and security checks.
 
2. Spend less at the pumps The average household spends almost £35 on petrol a week - that’s £1,775 a year. Whether you fill up with super unleaded or premium diesel use PetrolPrices.com to find out which local garage sells the cheapest fuel. Then make this fuel last up to a third longer by driving more efficiently and reducing the weight of your car.

3. Get the right train ticket - For full-time workers an Annual train or tube ticket should be the cheapest ticket option. You can pay the full cost upfront or get an employer loan, but season tickets cost upwards of £3,000 and many employers do not offer instalment plans. This is why CommuterClub launched their new season ticket instalment plan, allowing ordinary commuters to pay for an Annual in monthly Direct Debit. This is a loan so there is interest to pay, but this is only 5.6% and even including this, it still works out cheaper than buying monthly or weekly tickets - effectively giving commuters a month’s free travel. It combines the savings of an Annual with the flexibility of a monthly as you can stop your payments anytime.

4. Claim a refund - If your train is delayed you are entitled to a refund on the fare. For a Transport for London tube journey, a delay of more than 15 minutes will mean you can be refunded the full cost of the journey regardless of whether you use PayG or a Season ticket. You can submit a claim directly on TfL’s website.

5. Get On Your Bike - Cycling is cheaper, keeps you fit, and you always get a seat. If this is a practical option many employers will offer loans to buy a bike, which are repaid from your pre-tax income, effectively cutting the cost of a new bike by at least 20% or more depending on your tax rate.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Happy Valentines Day!


Today we celebrate our 25th Valentines Day together and I can honestly say I love him even more now than when we first met. I know that sentence makes some of want to reach for the sick bucket, but it hasn't been an easy road getting to this point. We have both had times in the past when we no longer wanted to be together. Times of heartache, anger, sadness and mistakes. Oh Boy, have we made mistakes! 

Long term relationships are bloody hard work to keep together, especially when you start out as young, seventeen year olds. We went through many years of not really appreciating each other, of thinking the grass might be greener on the other side, of taking the other for granted, of bickering and generally not realising what we had till it was gone.

We separated for a year. It was the loneliest time of my life and I suddenly realised that my life feels empty without him. Thankfully, he felt the same and we got back together. We are like a completely different couple now and we are so madly in love. We respect each other, adore each other and consider one another with every move we make. Something I don't think we did before.

So Happy 25th Valentines Day to the absolutely, one and only love of my life, My Husband. I know I will Love You Forever.


Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Reason To Believe

There is no Gallery this week instead Tara has teamed up with Coca-Cola UK to find a photo that inspires and gives us a reason to believe. She tells us "I’ve teamed up with Coca-Cola UK to find these photos; to find your Reasons to Believe. The brand is championing positivity through their new Reasons to Believe advert which highlights that despite all the negatively we see day to day, there is still more good than bad in the world."





Mum had been gone for two years. I missed her. I yearned to hear her voice, to pick up the phone and dial her number. That aching, gut wrenching feeling was getting stronger by the day and I was absolutely convinced that I would never feel 'normal' again. But then we moved to Appledore and it changed my life forever.

This stunning part of the country welcomed me with big, warm open arms. I felt calm for the first time since I had lost Mum. As I surveyed the surrounding rolling hills, clear blue sea and the constantly changing skies, I was mesmerised by its beauty. I looked out to sea and an inner peace enveloped me. At that moment I knew everything would be ok, that I would be ok. Mum would never leave me, she was in the air that I breathe, her guiding soul always standing beside me, a gentle breeze whispering "I Love You, I Am With You, Be Strong, Be happy". I suddenly had reason to believe.




Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Moments That Mattered in 2013


Have you seen the TV advert for Lloyds Bank, the one where they celebrate the moments that mattered in 2013 in the style of a photo story? It is really cute. I love photo story's and as you can see I have one (above) for all my moments that mattered last year. I was asked to take part in the Lloyds Bank Moments That Matter campaign, to talk about my favourite time from last year. I can not say that I can pick just one favourite moment because I was lucky enough to have had several, but a real highlight for me was winning my Britmums BIB Award for the Lifestyle category. An award that I was absolutely flabbergasted to have won, and an achievement that I really was not expecting. In fact I nearly fell over when my name was called.

My blog has been live for nearly six years and it has become a massive part of my life. It has defined a new direction in my life and presented me with so many wonderful opportunities that I would not have had, if I had never started my blog. So yes, my moment that mattered last year was my blog winning a BIB. What were your moments that mattered last year?







Saturday, 1 February 2014

IWOOT Retro T - Lamp Review


How cute are these little lamps from IWOOT. They are retro silicone tea light holders that take inspiration from 1960's design. I totally love them and they look even more adorable once the tea lights are lit. Even my Son walked in and asked where I got them. They are very cute. Available from IWOOT priced £9.49.



*We were sent a box of T-Lamps free of charge for the purpose of this review. Our opinions are totally our own.

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