Friday, 21 February 2014

A Lot Has Changed Mum, I Have Changed.




Dear Mum,

As I walk through the door of the card shop my eye is instantly drawn to the pretty pink ones with 'Happy Birthday Mum' scrawled across the top. I yearn to buy one for you. The card with the most words is the one I would always pick and my cheeks would always blush a little as I watched you open it and read the cheesy, sentimental wording.

You wasn't a cuddly type of Mum, in fact I struggle to even remember a time you told me you loved me or hugged me. It just wasn't your style. We discussed it once and you told me that your own Dad never hugged you as a child or told you he loved you, but you felt so loved by him, he didn't need to tell you. I wandered if it was your funny way of telling me that you loved me and the lack of cuddles didn't mean you didn't love me. 

I never doubted your love though Mum. My Fathers, yes, but never yours. You worked hard to give us a comfortable life, even though you married two useless men. One of them my Father. I now feel embarrassed to even associate the word 'Father' with him. You would be shocked how angry I am with him now Mum. Before you passed away I was always praying to reconcile with him, not anymore. I feel irritated by the thought of him now, mainly because he left you to struggle with four children while he raised another family and lived the high life. Forgetting he had four kids. It is like we never existed. So, no Mum I have no plans to ever visit him again, to contact him or even call him Dad again. As far as I'm concerned, you were my Mum and Dad, all rolled into one. You gave us a good life, a happy life and I will be forever grateful for all you did, which was your best. 

A lot has changed Mum, I have changed. I have grown up, learnt some harsh lessons and been hurt by people I trusted. People I really thought would look out for us, who I thought cared about us turned out to be only interested in themselves. One of those people you wont be one bit surprised, but two of them Mum you thought were your best Friends, sisters. Money turns people Mum, turns them into greedy and self obsessed, almost unrecognisable. I feel ashamed of them and their children, my cousins.

We only ever needed you Mum. It was us and the boys against the World. Life has become fragmented by your loss, like shards of glass being tossed up into the air and hitting the floor facing different directions. It's time to move on without some of them in my life. Time to move forward with my life and to be happy again.

I celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary this year Mum, I know this will please you as it was always important to you that I continuously work on my marriage and keep things together. My Hubby was like a Son to you and I know you will be happy to hear we are still in love. He misses you too Mum.

So, here I'm sat thinking of you like always, but especially today Mum, what would have been your 64th Birthday. Hope you have been reunited with Grandad and Aunt Toot as I know their loss left a big hole in your life. Miss you so much that at times it is unbearable.

Love You Always,
Emma xxx

9 comments:

  1. I'm sure she knew how much you thought of all she did for you. Nan wasn't one to cuddle either but I knew she loved me every day. I hope they are all having a great party today xxxxxx

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  2. I didn't whether to comment on this post as it's so personal... but it's so beautifully written and real, like you are really having that conversation with her. Big love and hugs to you on this anniversary. XXX

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  3. So beautifully written!!
    Thinking of you x

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  4. Hugs on your mom's birthday. It would have been my MIL's 99th birthday and is my own mom's 67th anniversary. February 21 must be a special date ! Linda@Wetcreek Blog

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  5. Such a heartfelt post. I think she would be so proud of you though. Big hug xx

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  6. Oh Emma, what a poignant post! Sending you big, warm hugs. I lost my Dad too and I still miss him so much. xx

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  7. A very beautiful post Emma, such a shame people let you down badly but good to know who your true family are. Mich x

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