Monday, 17 June 2013

A Life Without A Father

My Father, Me And My Little Brother
Fathers Day is always a bittersweet day for me as I have a Husband who is a fantastic Dad to our four kids, but I have a Father who is a rubbish Dad. He is a man who has four kids and nine Grandchildren who he doesn't see and who he wouldn't even recognise if he past any of them in the street. He is a man who hasn't been in my life since I was seventeen, an age when I needed him the most and he just turned his back and walked away. Just like that, no explanations, no 'I'm Sorry's', nothing. He just left me and my younger Brothers without a Father so that he could raise another man's child. I guess four young children were too much for our new step-mother to cope with, and when push came to shove our Dad, who we all adored picked her and shoved us out the door.

It's funny because I never really felt angry about my Dad's strange decision, only a sadness that he had rejected us. It did really affect my self esteem and I often felt that I must be a horrible person if my own Dad didn't love me. It did cause me to go totally off the rails for a while. Luckily I met my Husband around this time and he pulled me up out of my rebellion. He changed my life and he has taken care of me ever since.

When I lost my Mum I suddenly became really angry with my Dad. I felt angry that he let her struggle to raise us kids on her own. I felt furious about the stress she felt to keep a decent roof over our heads, and he did nothing to help her as he drove around in his flash motors, enjoyed expensive hobbies and holidays. I felt like he had taken the complete and utter pee out of my Mum's kind, placid nature. And he isn't the only one. There are other people in the Family who I feel have let down my Mum, me and my Brothers. People I will struggle to ever forgive. More rejection. More hurt. It kind of leaves you feeling like very few people are genuine in this life. And I hate feeling like that. I guess when Family members let you down it hurts more than if a random stranger, or even a Friend does the same.

It sounds like I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I'm not. I had a good, happy childhood with no abuse and I know some people suffer dreadfully during their childhoods, so I do count myself lucky. I remain a positive thinker and I now have a good life, a gentle life and as time goes by I become less annoyed with the people I no longer see and instead I feel pity for them. Pity because they must be unhappy with their decisions and they must feel guilt whenever they think of my loving, beautiful Mum and how badly they let her down. No-one is perfect and we all make mistakes, God I've made more than a few, but disloyalty is something I really struggle with. I just don't get it.

I guess all life experiences make us who we are and the negative things that happen to us can only make us stronger and more determined to become a better person and to live a happier life. Moving on can be a difficult journey, but once we take that first step it feels like a weight has been lifted. It enables you to become free. I feel like I'm well on my way to becoming free from negativity and the people who carry it.

How do you cope with negative situations?



14 comments:

  1. I was releived to read your post - I too have an absent father - a completely diferent story from yours obviously but a father, with 3 children (with different mothers) and yesteday, he won't have heard from any of us. I saw that the Gallery this week was about dads but when you have a story ike yours or like mine what can you say? I thought about wiriting something but didn't - everywhere I have looked this weekend people have been taking about the wonderful dads, the great relationships etc etc - I'm sorry that you don't have a story like that to tell but I also thank you for sharing the oneyou do - thank you for having the balls - helping others of us who, like you, have a crap parent, remember we are not the only ones.

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    1. Oh Kathryn, Im so sorry you have an absent Father too. I do feel a bit envious when I see other people with their Dads on Fathers day, but I suppose after all these years I'm used to not having a Dad to share it with. I struggle to understand how a parent (or why) would decide to be absent. Their loss! xxx

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  2. I am so blessed to have a great dad and amazing husband who is a brilliant dad. His story is a little different so I understand some of your thoughts from him. Very hard and not a quick solution and it is only when something else changes do those feelings reappear. I always think that your story makes you who you are now, the harder events somehow make you stronger and more appreciative of the good. Sounds so simple - if only it was! xx

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  3. Thanks Grace. Yes, these experiences do make us the people we are, and I agree it does make you more appreciative of the good xxx

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  4. My Dad was a brilliant father, always there for us when we were growing up. But he's changed as he has aged, and he's no longer there - full stop. It's not quite dementia, perhaps its grief and depression. But it makes me so sad.

    Thanks for sharing your insight x.

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    1. Sorry to hear that Lesley. I think you are right about grief, it does strange things to people, and thinking about it our Dad lost his Mum around the same sort of time he completely cut us out of his life. Maybe that had something to do with it too, although I doubt it in my Dads case xxx

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  5. I lost my Daddy when I was 18 and my sister 15. I still miss him, 30 years later, but I think it is worse if your Dad is still alive, but doesn't know your beautiful family, what a missed opportunity - life really is too short. I always try and put a positive spin on things, and try not to take things personally. My glass is always half full, and I smile my way through life!

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  6. That's such a sad post Mama S... I am sorry your Dad was rubbish. Your husband sounds like he's doing a pretty good job to show your children what a good Dad should be like though xx

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  7. Really sorry to hear your Dad left you all. It was his mistake! I can't believe he would miss out on so much. Glad you found a great man to be your husband and father to your children.

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  8. It really is his loss and he has missed out on so much. In answer to your question about negative situations, I absolutely refuse to put myself back in a position where I can be taken advantage of ever again, I walk away. Like you say, it is a difficult journey but it's a must for the sake of my own sanity xxxx

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  9. I enjoyed your post alot and I'm sorry you or anyone else has to go through this. Like yours my father has been much of a dispappointment. Im glad you have found such a wonderful husband so your children don't have to suffer the same. Xx

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  10. There have been MANY negative people in my life but it's a case of "I've got 99 problems but me Dad aint one"...

    I've read a lot of posts this past week and I feel incredibly sad for people, like yourself, whose Father's have let them down. I can't empathise because my experience of my Father was a positive one but I can sympathise...

    These days,I cope with negative situations by reminding myself that I have no control over other people's actions. I only have control over my own. I nearly allowed the actions of another person towards me to ruin my life. The key word there is ALLOW. Ultimately, it's down to us as individuals how we deal with negative people and situations. We can allow the situation to consume us or we can allow ourselves to learn from it and move forward. This doesn't mean that we forget...we just accept and move on. Yes, moving on can be a difficult journey but it's an essential one.

    Your Dad leaving you was his failing, not yours. You are an inspirational lady and your blog shows the world just how strong you are. You inspire others to think more positively and that's admirable.

    Love

    Tracy x






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  11. My Dad and I had a major falling out when I was a teenager (he blamed me for his divorce - I was a lovely school swot type teenager who never even had a detention - guess who should take responsibility for his own divorce) and I've only seen him twice in the last 20 years (for funerals). Whe I had kids I did try contacting him, and he now does send me a Christmas card - addressed to my husband with the wrong name! I now don't eve think of him on father's day, I think of my father in law.

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  12. I was really moved by this post. How difficult for you and your mum and your siblings. The weight you must have carried. And it's so normal for a child to blame themselves when something like this happens. I had a major falling out with my dad over a year ago... it's on going, and although he's getting on, I do feel it would be better for me mentally and emotionally if he wasn't in my life anymore. I sometimes think it's a generational thing as well - many men of our father's generation, born in the forties, post war babies, seemed to have either walked out on their families or totally neglected their children to the point that there isn't really a relationship there (certainly in my case). Thank you for writing this post, it really resonated with me, and got me thinking. XXX

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