That first year I lost Mum I remember I was visiting Avebury stone circle a few days before Mothers Day. I was with a lovely friend of mine Jenny who was a lady in her fifties, in fact she was the same age as Mum was when she passed away...56.
We had been having a really fab day studying the magnificent standing stones, Silbury Hill and West Kennett Burrow. We had lunch in the pub then before we left for home we popped into the small gift shop. Jenny headed straight for the card stand and said "Oh I must get my Mum her Mothers Day card". It took her all of ten minutes to pick that card but it felt like ten hours.
I felt an over whelming surge of envy that this 56 year old woman standing next to me was buying her 78 year old Mum a Mothers Day card. I thought to myself that my lovely Friend really didn't realise how lucky she was to have had that extra 20 years of Mothers Days with her Mum.
As Jenny clutched her chosen card she headed off in the direction of the many Mothers Day gifts that were on display. A sharp stabbing pain began to pound my heart, like it was actually being cut in half. My eyes began to fill with tears. I began to panic as I don't do crying in front of people, especially a shop full of strangers. My legs weak and jelly like, I quickly scanned the shop for an escape and headed for the exit. I stood outside, it began to rain as I sobbed.
That was 2007 and I do find Mothers Day easier to cope with now but I still yearn to buy my Mum a card. This time of year I really miss her as it was her birthday last month and Easter we always did something together over the Bank holiday.
As the years go by I worry that I'll forget what she sounded like, or that I will forget her smell, her laugh, her expressions. I desperately want the pain to go away but I don't want to ever stop missing her. I know I'm lucky that I had enough years with my Mum for her to watch me get married and to have met my four kids and Granddaughter. Some people aren't as lucky and have lost their Mum's at an even younger age. I'm grateful I had long enough with her to have gotten to know her.
Happy Mothers Day Mum x
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