The kids break up from school the end of this week for Christmas so I want to get as much done as possible so I can relax and enjoy the build up with baking and last minute gift making. As I'm busy preparing for Christmas my thoughts turn to Mum. Everywhere I look I'm reminded that she wont be with us for another Christmas. You would hope that after six years it would get easier and in some ways it does, but the yearning to see her doesn't.
I think back to that first Christmas without her and how unbearable it was. I felt lost and didn't really know what to do, how to celebrate without her. We had always organised the celebrations between us, arranged who was going to who, who was buying what for who, who was buying the turkey, the sweets or the wine. It suddenly hit me that Christmas was never going to be same ever again. The second Christmas was just as difficult and I made an effort for the kids but my heart wasn't in it.
By the time I got to the 3rd Christmas I knew I had to change things. I started to completely throw myself into the build up more than I ever had before. I had to make Christmas my own and not 'something I used to do with Mum'. I needed to put those Christmases away in a precious little box, a box that I bring out every year as I look back and smile at my past Christmas celebrations that I spent with Mum.
I still cry every time the decorations come out of the loft as she is always my first thought as I begin up packing the tinsel and baubles. That painful yearning to see her rears its head, but I push it back down and just accept that I wont be seeing her again this year.
I wrote this a few Christmases ago as I remembered my Mum, it sums up exactly what I miss about our Christmas together...
I miss you Mum...This time of year is especially tough.
Its Christmas and No Card from you sits on the Mantle,
No phone call frantically asking me if I know where you've hidden all the presents because you cant find them...searched the whole house you have!
Then only to find them in the boot of your car, the airing cupboard or some other totally random place...
I miss our Family home at Christmas. The Boys running wild with Excitement...
Nan, Grandad, Aunties, Uncles and Cousins and Friends all popping in full of Christmas cheer.
You Red faced and running round making cups of tea, wrapping last minute presents and nearly forgetting to put up the tree!
Our house was always so full of people & Chaos!
There would be food and drink and gift wrapping paper strewn all over the floor.
Kids Crying, Kids laughing, Brothers Fighting and Brothers playing
But most of all Mum
We were all together...Miss you so Much x