It was my Beautiful Mum's birthday this week, she would have been 61 and she has been gone five years this year. The grief is less raw nowadays but it still hurts. I guess it always will, its just not as gut wrenching as it first was. I no longer feel panic stricken...I know I can actually survive and still breath without my Mother in my life. At first I felt like the umbilical cord had just been cut and I wasn't sure that I'd make it without her.
I realised I was hugely reliant on Mum unyet I always thought I was massively independent...In a lot of ways I was. I never relied on her for help with the kids, in fact regarding childcare it was always the other way around. Mum worked a lot and I always cared for my younger brothers and I mean always. Weekends and holidays the boys were with me and Papa. In fact we would joke that when Papa met me he took on four kids, My Brothers. I never resented that. I loved my brothers as if they were my own children, enjoying their company, especially as they got older becoming my best friends.
My relationship with Mum wasn't one sided though, far from it. Mum would help me out with little holidays, bits and bobs of shopping, was always there in a crisis or she would treat us to a nice meal out on bank holiday Mondays. Mum knew how to enjoy a day out.
But it wasn't those nice treats that I relied on, no it was Mum's advice. Mum always knew what to do and since she is gone I know that nobody on this earth loves me like my Mother did. Her advice and sometimes nagging was always for my benefit to help guide me into becoming a more happy and fulfilled adult. Mum learnt the hard way and she didn't want me to make the same mistakes in life that she had. Thank God I always listened to her, even when I tried not to. Mum was right, but sometimes we don't realise until we no longer have them in our lives.
So the Grief is less raw five years on but the longing to speak to her is as strong as ever. Just to pick up the phone for half an hour is all I'd wish for in my life. I still need her to OK things. I need to know if I handled things right. Would Mum approve?
Blogging has helped. At first just to pay tribute to her on special occasions and anniversary's but blogging has also helped me come to terms with certain situations Mum would have been guiding me with. I can turn to Blogesphere for a lot of advice. I read your stories of love, hope, grief and happiness and feel inspired and not so alone. You Empower me.
Happy Birthday Mum X